Tuesday, 30 August 2011

  • WOW!

     

    I know it's been a hundred years since I've been on but I've been outrageously busy and I have HUGE NEWS!  I have decided to remove all my books from the publisher I was with and publish on my own.  Why?  So I can offer them ALL for 99 CENTS each!  OH YEAH!  I am SO THRILLED! 

    Here are the links where you can get these super books at this maniacally low price!

     

    Hidden Passages: Tales to Honor the Crones

    PDF (printable format) at

    https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/82946

    Barnes and Noble’s Nook Store

    http://tinyurl.com/3c68j3g

    Amazon’s Kindle Store

    http://tinyurl.com/4ytgn5l

    Forest Song: Finding Home

    PDF (printable format) at

    https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/83674

    Barnes and Noble’s Nook Store

    http://tinyurl.com/3pkbbq3

    Amazon’s Kindle Store

    http://tinyurl.com/4yknoz9

    Forest Song: Little Mother

    PDF (printable format) at

    https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/84162

    Barnes and Noble’s Nook Store

    http://tinyurl.com/3baest4

    Amazon’s Kindle Store

    http://tinyurl.com/3pwhspy

    Forest Song: Letting Go

    PDF (printable format) at

    https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/84757

    Barnes and Noble’s Nook Store

    http://tinyurl.com/3zlfcff

    Amazon’s Kindle Store

    http://tinyurl.com/3ed7tp8

    Short Stories

    PDF (printable format) at

    http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/82484

    Barnes and Noble’s Nook Store

    http://tinyurl.com/43b8rfv

    Amazon’s Kindle Store

    http://tinyurl.com/3gt4spq

    Forest Song Cookbook

    PDF (printable format) at

    http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/82398

    Barnes and Noble’s Nook Store

    http://tinyurl.com/4yckksu

    Amazon’s Kindle Store

    http://tinyurl.com/3mup9uc

    Home for Dinner Cookbook

    PDF (printable format) at

    https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/59937

    Barnes and Noble’s Nook Store

    http://tinyurl.com/3tkndte

    Amazon’s Kindle Store

    http://tinyurl.com/4xclk64

     

    Don’t have a Kindle device? 

    Download a FREE Kindle for PC program from      amazon.com at

    www.amazon.com/gp/kindle/pc

     

     

Thursday, 04 August 2011

  • Trouble at home

    *Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap**

    > in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in

    > front

    > of an old green John Deere.

    >

    > Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides

    > off first the  right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then

    > hunches  his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his

    > overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

    > Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal  his

    > stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt

    > from

    > his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

    >

    > Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya

    > doing, Billy Bob?"

    >

    > "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an

    > obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

    >

    > "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom

    > d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to

    > a tractor."*

Monday, 01 August 2011

Friday, 29 July 2011

  • the great coin caper

    Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. Bill 's company installed a car wash system in Frederick , Md . . Now, understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines. 

    The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week. 

    He went as far as to accuse Bill 's employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film! 


    That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine. 

     


    The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money! 


    That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird -- there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree. 


    And you thought you heard of everything by now!! !! 

    And to think the phrase 'bird brain' is associated with being dumb. Not these birds. Share the story!!

     

     

Saturday, 23 July 2011

  • The day from hell

    Okay it's 10 PM and I just go back.  Helen called to tell me that Mama pad popped the screen in the dining room and all the cats were missing.  I left everything and went over.  Anyhow, Mama, Bobby, and Missy are back.  Meggi and Nip are still among the missing.  And while I was there I got the small air conditioner down from the wee house and put it in her kitchen window.  It took the heat down from 100 degrees to 98 inside.  So I called around to find out where I could buy a window unit.  I got the name of a store but couldn't get through to them so I GPSed the address. The damned GPS wanted me to take the turnpike (which I found out after an hour of driving) so I GPSed Helen's address and came back.  She then went out and got a window unit.  Then we spent the next 4 hours putting it together and installing it.  It brought the house down to 95 by the time we left to come here to get something to eat and to shower. 

     

    Okay I feel better now.  Boy yesterday was a hellish day.  Helen stayed here the night before, and at about 10 AM called me from her place to tell me that someone had popped the screen out of the dining room window and all the cats were gone.  Of course I dropped everything and went over.  I was in the middle of writing an email, and I didn't even finish sit.  I just went.  Well, when I got over there it was 101 degrees in that house.  She had managed to find Bobby cat and bring him in but he was dangerously hot and panting.  So I tried to touch him with an ice pack.  But he's a millimeter shy of being feral and wouldn't let me.  So I went in search of the others.

    In my search, I looked in the wee house that is part of Helen's property.  And I discovered a tiny air conditioner.  Well, I was determined to get that out and bring it down to her house.  That took me hours.  I literally took all my clothes off and worked naked I was so horribly hot.  But two hours later, I had that thing out and a half hour later, I had it in her kitchen window. I put my clothes back on and sat in my car for a while to cool down. 

    Then I went out to look for the cats again.  About an hour later I went inside and the little machine had cooled the house to 99 degrees and Bobby was panting and I was determined to get another window unit for her.  I called around and  no one had any left, but one store recommended Flickinger's in Newport.  I tried to call but their line was busy.  So I GPSed their address.  An hour into the drive, I discovered that my GPS wanted me to get onto the Turnpike and go to Pittsburgh!  HELLO!  I GPSed Helen's address and went back to her place.  Helen was finally able to get through to the store on the phone and got their zip code, and she went and got the unit.  She needed some time in her air conditioning.  Meanwhile the thermostat had plummeted all the way down to 98.  Well, while she was gone I kept looking for the kitties. Helen found Missy when she came home.  Missy was actually in the house.  I don't know where she was while we were searching for her, but we sure couldn't find her.  And as I was going out to the shed for a piece of wood to lay in the window frame, Mama came strolling up to me.  Now we had three of the five cats.  Anyhow, it took about four hours to assemble and install the window unit in her bedroom.  But by about 9 PM it was in and working. 

    At that point Helen was starving,.  All she'd eaten all day was two apples.  And we both desperately needed a shower.  So we came back here.  I fed Tyker and then gave Freckles and Puck their evening meds and then I ate.  She had sat down before me, mercifully.  Anyhow, She had a shower and then I did.  We both felt kind of better after that but the truth the heat had worn us both out.  Both of us had periods of wooziness through the day,  And both of us were pretty disoriented by the timie we left her place,  In truth, neither of us should have been driving.  Anyhow, after she left, I thought I'd finish up that email I had been working on, and I did, but I have no idea if what I said made any sense.  I finally gave it up. I had told Helen to call me when she got home, and she did.  And guess what.  She saw Meggi cat and Nip cat under the garage.  They wouldn't come out, but at least she knows where they are.  That used to be their hang out when they were feral kittens.  So they're not going anywhere.  She'll get them in eventually with coaxing and food.  She told me that the new AC had cooled her place to 88 degrees but that the bedroom was adequately cool.  Satisfied that everything was taken care of, I fed Tuker for the final time, brushed teeth, and went to bed.  Took me a while to fall asleep, but I was glad the day was over.

    So that was my day.

     

     

    Yesterday was the day from hell.  I was just about to get started on my internet work when my friend whose son-in-law died called me.  She had spent the night here because her central air had died on her and she still had no water.  Well, when she got home yesterday morning, she discovered that one or more of the cats had popped the screen out from the dining room window and all her cats were missing.

     

    Well, of course I dropped everything and went over.  I fruitlessly searched for them for about an hour and then went in to check on her.  She was woozy and ill.  It was 101 degrees in that house!  Well, the priority changed immediately.

     

    During my search, I had discovered that the wee house on her property had a tiny window air conditioner.  So I immediately made it my business to get that thing out of that window and into hers.  But it was so hot.  So terribly hot.  I was pouring sweat and getting woozy myself.  Plus the air conditioner was screwed in so tightly that I couldn't break the screws. 

     

    I went to her neighbor's house and borrowed his bolt cutter and cut the stupid screws.  Then I still couldn't get the thing out of the window.  I couldn't stand the heat so I ripped off my clothes and, working in the nude except for socks and shoes, I found a few more screws that I'd missed and got them out.  But I was laughing at myself thinking I looked like something out of a cheap blue movie!

     

    Anyhow, got the air conditioner out, put my sopping clothes back on, and toted it down the hill to her house.  It took some doing, but I managed to wrestle it into her kitchen window.  Within an hour the temperature went from 101 degrees to 98.  Definitely not good enough.

     

    I decided it was time to buy a larger window unit, something beyond her financial capability right now, since she's on a fixed income.  So we made several phone calls only to find that most stores were out of window units.  Finally one store recommended that I go to Flickinger's Home Improvement.  I looked them up and found the address but not the zip code.  I tried to call them several times but the line was busy.  So I just GPSed the address and set out.  An hour later my GPS told me to get on the Turnpike to Pittsburgh!  HELLO!  This was a local town!  There was no way I should have had to go to Pittsburgh.  So I GPSed Helen's address and went back.

     

    She was sitting in her air conditioned car feeling really woozy and totally unwell.  She has a heart issue, so she shouldn't get overheated that way. Well, we agreed that SHE should go get the air conditioner.  That way she could be in the air conditioned car. We called again and on the third try finally got through. She got he zip code, and they agreed to take a check that I would write out.  So I sent her off with a check and my driver's license.

     

    Since she had the zip code, her GPS sent her to the right Newport, and an hour and a half later she was back with a window unit.  While she was gone, I found Bobby cat who was dangerously hot.  He was panting and sluggish.  I was really scared for him.  I tried to pet him with an ice pack, but he wouldn't let me near him. He came into the house voluntarily though.  By that time it was 97 degrees in the house.  I don't think a half hour passed before I found Missy cat.  Missy is a sweetie, and she allowed me to pick her up and bring her in.  She seemed okay/

     

    Then I went about looking for someone to help me bring the new unit into the house.  Helen had called to tell me the thing weighed 75 pounds.  That's more than half my weight, so I knew I couldn't manage it in that heat.  Anyhow, just as I was knocking on doors, Raymond, a friend of Helen's came by to check on her.  Not five minutes later Helen arrived

     

    Well, between Raymond and me, it took four hours to assemble that machine and cut wood to the right length and width and to actually get the thing nestled into her bedroom window.  Somewhere in all that Mama cat arrived.  She was in terrible shape.  I was really scared for her.  She had had diarrhea for a week and was totally dehydrated and had sh*t caked all over her rear end and was just not in good shape at all.  So Helen took her to the vet.  The vet shaved her butt and gave her subcutaneous fluid and a shot of antibiotics and a script for a course of four more pills.  Mama will be fine.  So three of five cats were inside the now 96 degree house. 

     

    Well, we finally got the bedroom window unit in and turned it on.  By that time Helen was ready to faint.  She hadn't eaten all day and neither had I.  We were sick from hunger and heat and sort of disoriented.  Neither of us had any business driving, but we simply had to.  So, using every ounce of will we had, we managed to stay focused enough to drive to my house for some cool air and some food.  Also she really wanted a shower since she still has no water at her place.  (Nobody came yesterday to look for that elusive well head. And nobody will be there until Monday.) 

     

    After a meal and a cool shower and some time in our house, she really had to get back to tend to the cats.  It was 88 degrees inside her place when she got home.

     

    She also found Meggi cat hiding under the garage, which is odd.  That was the first place I'd looked.  But I couldn't quite squeeze under there to get a really good look, and I must have missed her.  She wouldn't come out, but Helen's thinking she can woo the cat with food and gentle coaxing.  We still don't know where Nip is.  So three of the five cats are inside and she knows where Meggi is.  Hopefully Nip is with her, since they're litter mates and never go far from each other.

     

    So that was my day yesterday.  It just keeps getting worse for Helen.  Honestly, she doesn't now which emergency to take care of first these days.  I am so worried over her.  But at least her house is now at about 80 degrees, which is manageable.  The outside temperature is currently 93.

     

     

VilaSpiderHawkAuthor

  • Visit VilaSpiderHawkAuthor's Xanga Site
    • Name: VilaSpiderHawkAuthor
    • Member Since: 9/7/2010